Stuff You Probably Shouldn't Say On A First Date

I've been trying online dating off and on for quite some time now. I've also met people the good old fashioned way - in person. Aside from my own experiences, I know how my friends' dating lives are going, too. I am friends with a nice variety of people: straight men and women, gay men and women, and even the occasional bisexual. What I've learned from listening to my friends is this: everyone is insane.

Yes, I said it. We are all crazy. The thing is, you have to meet someone for a while to really know the level of insanity you are about to experience while in a relationship with that person. It is OK. We are all crazy, so it is just all about finding out what type of insanity you enjoy being around the most.

What I can't understand is how and why so many people are spilling their guts about everything on the first date. It is fine to be nuts. Obviously I've already established we all are looney anyway. At least be polite about it on the first date. You should ease into your craziness. If you break out with some stories that are too frightening on the first date, you will scare your potential new partner away. Basically, some of you are saying stuff on the first date you should keep to yourself.

I am sure you are wondering what topics you might want to shut up about while on your first date. As usual, I am hear to help you. Just remember, when in doubt, you probably don't need to say it.

• I usually only date people much taller than you. Do you think you can wear platforms while we are out? If we pose for a photo, can I get you a chair to stand on?
• I've taken out several restraining orders on exes. I just seem to have bad luck!
• My exes always seem to take out restraining orders on me. I just don't understand. I just like to stay in touch.
• I can fart to the tune of "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. Do you want to hear it?
• I keep several exotic pets at my home. You should meet my skunk named Stinky. To be honest, I seem to have lost my squirrel at home somewhere. I am just hoping if he passed away, I will smell the dead body and find him soon.
• My child has the tendency to throw temper tantrums a lot. He might try to hurt you when you first meet him, but don't worry. His therapist says he is OK to be around new people again.
• I feel like this first date is going so well. I can definitely hear wedding bells in our future!
• I make the best meatloaf in the world using roadkill. Do you want to come over for dinner Friday night?
• My father is very overprotective of me. He likes to threaten my new friends with guns. Don't worry, it is usually not loaded. I mean, there was this one incident, but after he spent time in jail he really learned his lesson.
• I have this weird pimple on my back. I am hoping if all goes well tonight, you can pop it for me.
• Don't look now, but I see my ex at the table across the room. I want to tell you everything about that relationship now. I feel like I can trust you since this first hour has gone so well.
• I tend to get really blackout drunk and do ridiculous things wherever I go. Can I get another drink over here?
• Basically, I just went out with you because it sounds like you make a lot of money. I am definitely ordering the lobster tonight.
• I still live with my ex, but we don't sleep in the same room or anything most of the time. Our lease is up in 6 months. I hope that won't be a problem.