How to Get Rid of Unwanted Holiday Houseguests

Christmas time can be a beautiful time when families get together under one roof and appreciate each other. It can also be a time when families get together under one roof and slowly go completely insane until resentment, anger, and frustration begin to emerge. Eventually, people begin plotting against each other. Past drama begins to resurface, and well, it all goes downhill from there.

No matter who you are or how lovely your relatives can be, there comes a time when a holiday houseguest becomes an unwanted holiday houseguest. Sometimes time spent together can become too much time spent together. All of your family members probably have some redeeming qualities, especially if they live hundreds of miles away. Everyone seems charming in the occasional email or the funny Facebook status update. However, once everyone gets under one roof for the holidays, things can take an ugly turn.

If you are about to suffer through one of these lovely holiday events, have no fear! I am here to explain some of the many ways you can get rid of an unwanted holiday houseguest. Aunt Gertrude or Cousin Merle won't want to hang out at your place too long if you follow some of these suggestions.

A sure way to scare off any houseguest that has worn out his or her welcome is too make your house smelly. If you are not sure how to achieve this, ask yourself some of these simple questions:

Do you have a dog? If not, can you borrow a dog?

Do you have a kitty litter box? If not, once again, can you acquire one?

If you workout at the gym, how bad does your workout clothing smell?

If all else fails, do you have some old food?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are fast on your way to making your home stink in no time. Don't bother bathing Fido for a while or just simply stop cleaning the kitty litter box. Leave disgusting workout clothes or smelly socks all over the place. Hide some rotten food somewhere in the house where no one can find it. In no time, those pesky houseguests will be running for the door!

Of course, a major issue with making your house stink is that you are also going to have to suffer through it. If you don't have the stomach for it or the nerve for it, you must try a different technique.

Let's say your relatives have been hanging out, watching your TV, using your computer, microwaving all your food, wasting the heat, or any other annoying activity along those lines. Well, start unplugging things. Turn off the lights while they are in the room. Start unplugging the TV and unplug the cable wires. Better yet, hide the cable wires. You know your family members have been running up the cable bill all day watching On Demand programs anyway; pull the plug!

Obviously your family members must be pretty annoying or you wouldn't be bothering to read this at all. If this is the case, why not try beating them at their own game? If they can be annoying, you can be annoying as well. Some ideas that should really provoke them are:

• Sing off-key all the time, especially if they are trying to watch TV.
• Attempt to play any musical instrument in the middle of the night, especially if you do not know how to play.
• Answer every question with, "I heard that!" even if it totally does not apply to the conversation.
• Snore, burp, fart, snort, cackle, meow, bark, or make any other strange noise periodically.
• Allow all the neighborhood children to come into the house and stay all day. Encourage them to play with the guests' luggage.

These are really just a few ideas. There are many more you can have fun with - just use your imagination. The more entertaining it is for you, the better!

Let's face it, nothing ruins a fun Christmas event more than ghosts sticking their nose in your business. If you believe a haunted house is a good way to scare your relatives into leaving, by all means, this is the best route for you. A few objects moving around on their own and the occasional creepy voice are sure to convince them. If not, it never hurts to create a little poltergeist activity when no one is paying enough attention to notice it is you throwing stuff around.

Of course, a haunted house is not going to scare everyone away. If you are hanging out with the guys from Ghost Hunters or something, that is totally not going to get rid of them. Then again, if the guys from Ghost Hunters are hanging out at your place, what is wrong with you? You totally don't want to scare them into leaving. If you do, they can certainly stay with me; please send them my way.

If the annoying relatives are not getting the point yet, this calls for a more drastic approach. I wouldn't recommend doing this at the beginning of the stay, but if folks have really worn out their welcome, it is time to break out the power tools and start locking the bathroom doors so they can't use them. Seriously, they've probably been using way too much toilet paper anyway.

Of course, once they need to use the bathroom, you are obviously going to have to make the decision whether things are going to "get a little messy" or if you are going to be kind and unlock the door "just this once." Personally, I would recommend charging them a dollar anytime someone needs to use the bathroom. You may not be able to get rid of them as houseguests, but at least you can make some fast cash. Just make sure they pay in cash. I don't trust anyone to pay with checks in this economy.

If you've gotten to the end of this list and you still haven't managed to chase away your holiday houseguests yet, you are in real trouble. I don't know what is wrong with those people. I guess the time has come to break out a classic maneuver that is a sure way to scare away any houseguest:

Ask them to help pitch in around the house!

Yes, ask them if they will help you start cleaning. Better yet, see if they will pitch in and buy some food, too. Also, it never hurts to see if they are willing to cook the food while you are on the subject. Yes, asking people to actually clean up after themselves or pay for a few things is usually the best way to get rid of that pesky houseguest. You are sure to seem them running for the door now.

Happy Holidays!