Don't Become a Basement Dweller

It has come to my attention recently that there is a need to discuss a serious issue in today's society: Basement Dwellers. Yes, it is a delicate subject, but someone has to do something about it. You may ask, "What is a Basement Dweller?" Oh, what a charmed life you are living. Let me explain.

A Basement Dweller is any guy age 14 and up that has somehow determined it is in his best interest to forever hang out in his parents' basement. Often, this Basement Dweller sets up a "bachelor pad" in the basement by moving all his bedroom furniture to one section of the basement. Then, he continues to build his own little kingdom by adding a computer desk, computer, television, and several game consoles. It is like a single dudes' paradise.

The problem with the "man cave" (as some have been known to call it) is some guys never move out. They literally move all their belongings to the basement and stay parked there for an indefinite period of time. All of this behavior, to some degree, can be fine for a young man until he reaches his early '20s. Then it begins to become an issue.

How do you know it is becoming an issue? Does the basement smell like feet? Is the Basement Dweller 30 years old (or even older)? Is he afraid of women? Does he scare the women he approaches online? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, it is becoming an issue.

Basement Dwellers, much like vampires, rarely come out in the day. Sometimes you may see them attending college classes or even working, but usually work and getting an education is not a top priority. Instead, you are more likely to see these elusive creatures when a new video game is released or a comic book convention comes to town. I went to a Weird Al Yankovic concert once and it was crawling with Basement Dwellers.

You can often determine someone is a Basement Dweller from the pasty white skin. This is attributed to a lack of sunshine since basements so often do not have full windows. Usually their hair looks as if it has not experienced a shampoo in a long time. Also, you can often hear short conversations about subjects like Star Wars or Warhammer if you listen closely to a group of Basement Dwellers.

Do not approach the Basement Dweller! These guys sometimes have not been forced to have an actual conversation in years. Most of their conversations involve online chats or grunts from fellow Basement Dwellers that occasionally congregate in one chosen basement for some type of role playing game.

The most obvious step is, DO NOT move into your parents' basement. It might seem like a nice idea at the time, but nothing good can come of it. Stay out of the basement. Look for some interesting outdoor activities you may enjoy. When all else fails, get a job. Hey, you can even try talking to a female! Maybe go out on some dates. And no, she does not want to hang out in your basement.

Parents, make sure to force your sons to go out and experience daylight every now and then. Sometimes you are going to have to cut off the power in the basement so your Basement Dweller will be forced to leave. In some situations, simply turning off the internet or cable will be enough. Encourage him to get a job. Encourage him to go to college. Even if it is just community college, he would still have to experience life outside the basement. Most colleges do not hold too many classes in the basement, so it will still be a safe environment for your recovering Basement Dweller.

Just remember, there is hope for everyone. Fellows that hang out in the basement can be conditioned to leave the basement just a little each day. It is all about baby steps for the Basement Dweller. Yes, it can be frightening having conversations with actual human beings, but it can happen. Some Basement Dwellers discover they are actually quite talented at having real conversations. Some Basement Dwellers even determine they would like to come out in the sun and experience the world more often.

Anyone can recover from this dangerous condition, but they must first admit they have a problem. Once they take the first step, anything is possible! Good luck to you!