Beach Etiquette 101

Is it really that time again? Is it time for another lesson in etiquette? Even more so, is it time to discuss the beach? Considering it is about 100 degrees outside as I write this, I think now is the perfect time for Beach Etiquette 101.

You might ask yourself, "Do I really need a lesson in beach etiquette?" The answer is probably going to be: "Yes!" If you go to a public beach, then you should follow some simple rules. If you have your own private beach, then A) no, most of these rules will not apply to you, and B) when can I come over?

Before heading to the beach this summer, let's examine the activities and sights we do or don't want to see while you are there.

Oh, how funny! You swim out far into the ocean and then you pretend you are being sucked under. You flail about and almost give the lifeguard a heart attack. The lifeguard swims out to save you only to find that you were joking. Funny, huh?

No, you are a jerk. You just scared your friends, family, random people on the beach, seagulls, crabs, etc. The lifeguard has every right to smack you and throw you back in.

By the way, pretending you are being attacked by a shark - also not funny!

I love some jamming music as much as the next person. You know what I do not love - your jamming music. Keep the music down. It is a public beach and no one wants to hear the new Lady Gaga CD ten times, even if that Judas song is really catchy.

Do you know what is really creepy? It is when you are laying on the beach on your beach towel, and someone you do not know decides to lay their beach towel down directly beside you and start talking to you. Ummm... have we met somewhere before or are you a total weirdo? Oh OK, total weirdo. Great.

You want to always give people plenty of space on the beach if you do not know them. I would say a good rule is about 10 feet between groups. If the beach is especially packed that day, perhaps even 5 feet is acceptable. However, striking up that conversation is still a little strange unless you begin with, "Hey, crowded beach, huh?" or something like that. If the person looks interested, continue the conversation. If not, keep it quiet, Chatty Cathy.

Also, if you have an umbrella and it is enormous, don't block anyone's sun. Yes, we should all be more cautious out in the sun, I know. However, some of us really do want a tan and we want our sun. Don't block my sun, or it is going to get ugly between us.

Trust me, I love birds. They are beautiful, graceful animals - except at the beach . For some reason, birds turn into psychotic and plotting creatures at the beach. It always starts the same: an adorable bird comes by you and you have some fries left from lunch. Why not give the cute bird a fry? Oh, how the bird loves eating that fry!

But then (enter the scary music!) Tweety calls over all his bird friends and the riot begins. Soon, it looks like a scene from an Alfred Hitchcook movie. You and everyone in your area is being attacked. As if that is not bad enough, the bird poop bombs begin and it is an total bird vs. human war. My friend, there are no winners in that war. Just don't feed the birds.

Oh, the beach can be so romantic! Who doesn't enjoy a nice long walk along the water while holding hands with their sweetheart? What could be wrong with maybe getting a little make out action going while at the beach? Who would even notice?

Probably the one hundred other people still on the beach would notice. So don't get too frisky. No one wants to see you making out (or doing more!) on the beach... I take that back... some creeps probably do want to see it, but still, go back to the motel if you want to get too romantic. I know you are barely clothed and there is some temptation, but don't do it in public unless you want to see a YouTube video pop up that evening starring you and your partner.

Well, much like the beach visit, all good things must come to an end. It is time for me to say farewell. I hope you've had some fun reading about beach etiquette. I also hope it has opened your eyes to proper beach manners. Most of all, I hope you get to use everything I've taught you and you get to go to the beach this summer. Enjoy!